Saturday, August 8, 2009

Nursing my broken gaydar

There's a new guy S at work; I first encountered him earlier in the year when I went to his presentation for his job interview. "Definitely gay" was my conclusion. "Definitely gay" was still my conclusion when he started work here a month ago. He is quite friendly so I have been trying to make him welcome, at the same time very curious to find out his sexual identity. (Gawd it sounds so sinister when I write it like that).

I went to lunch with him and his identical twin from Auckland. The twin seemed kind of straight I thought. When S and I were in the queue alone for coffee and cake I finally decided to pop the question:

Me: "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"

S: "No, go ahead."

Me: "Are you gay?"

S: "No, I am straight actually. But people have asked me if I am gay before."

Me: "Oh... I just thought if you were gay I could introduce you to some of the local gays. Not that I don't plan to introduce you to people anyway. Um.... Anyway, you should take it as a compliment!"

S: "I do, I do!"

I am particuarly proud of the "Take it is a compliment!" line - attack is the best form of defence, don't you think.

Thinking about the scenario later, I think that S could well be a straight version of me - we seem to have very similar personalities (S even picked up a mild pretentious Irish lilt in his accent after being there a year) and interests, which is probably what made me think he was gay.

If this is true, I have to say that a straight version of me is still pretty damn gay.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

More strange Shakira lyrics

Shakira has a new song with weirder lyrics than ever (see below). It makes me wonder if "lycanthropy" (definition: the delusion that one has become a wolf) translates to a common Spanish word? The couplet: "Nocturnal creatures are not so prudent; The moon's my teacher and I'm her student" is inspired. Incidentally I absolutely love the song.

SOS shes in disguise
SOS shes in disguise
There's a she wolf in disguise
Coming out coming out coming out

A domesticated girl thats all you ask of me
Darling it is no joke this is lycanthropy
The moon's awake now with eyes wide open
My body's craving so feed the hungry

Ive been devoting myself to you Monday to Monday and Friday to Friday
Not getting enough retribution or decent incentives to keep me at it
Im starting to feel just a little abused like a coffee machine in an office
So Im gonna go to my closet and get me a lover and tell you all about it

Theres a she wolf in the closet
Open up and set it free
Theres a she wolf in the closet
Let it out so it can breathe

Sitting across a bar staring right at her prey
Its going well so far shes gonna get her way
Nocturnal creatures are not so prudent
The moon's my teacher and Im her student

To locate the single men I got on me a special radar
And the fire department hotline in case I get in trouble later
Not looking for cute little divos or rich city guys I just want to enjoy
By having a very good time and behave very bad in the arms of a boy

Theres a she wolf in the closet
Open up and set it free
Theres a she wolf in the closet
Let it out so it can breathe

Intelligent conversation

A couple of quotes.

Paris Hilton: "I have so many friends I don't even know some of their names."

Recent dinner party.

K: "India is very strong in statistics."
Me: "Well it's no surprise - their population is so large they can always assume everything is normally distributed."

Sunday, August 2, 2009


Went to G´s birthday last night. I hadn´t seem him in two months, the last month of which has been a rather blissful avoidance. Avoidance seems to me an underrated behavioural coping mechanism in certain circumstances. Contemporary psycho-babble encourages us to "confront", "talk through" and "deal with" things - but the best way for me to cope with a broken heart or its relatives seems to be to go cold trukey and not see the person at all for a while. Only after then can I begin to think of them in a different way.

Seeing people in a slightly different way seems to be a recurring theme for me this year - more about that later.

G now has a boyfriend W, who I was relieved to find was (a) nothing like me in terms of personality, (b) kind of boring and (c) not my type. All petty and biased opinions I know, but I´ll happily take any private consolations I can that don´t harm anyone else.

My revenge - not that I think it bothered anyone, least of all G - was to make out with one of G´s friends at the party. It was one of those rare moments when I had more than one guy to choose from for my revengeful dalliance - when it doesnt rain it pours I guess.

This guy A is a hunky car mechanic (at least hunky in my eyes). Someone told me recently "Youll never meet anyone if you never drink". However what this person doesnt realise is that being sober doesnt mean you cant hang around drunk people and take advantage of their lack of inhibitions.

There were a couple of moments of great irony. Firstly, when A arrived, I thought he looked so much like G in the face that they were related. Secondly, G himself helped the whole thing along by insisting that we "get a room" and dragging us there.

The whole thing got a bit trashy and shameless. The room in question had no lock and the friends of A kept busting in and teasing us. They even went outside and tried to get in through the window and there was a flash when someone took a photo from outside though at that stage I think I was hiding under the sheets like Yoko Ono.

Well, if last night was anything to go by, shameless people have more fun. I am so glad I am one of them.