Tuesday, July 28, 2009

They teased me first, I swear.

I said to someone today:

"It was nice to see you, except for the bits that weren't nice. Actually, that was most of it, come to think of it."

Sunday, July 26, 2009

I always love a compliment

Got an amusing anonymous appraisal from a student:

"List up to three aspects of teaching that this teacher should maintain":

Low cut tops

"List up to three aspects of teaching that this teacher should change:"

Needs to show more cleavage.

I will have to get a seventies-style glow-weave shirt, half buttoned up, with some bling for my lectures.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Rita Angus

There is an exhibition of Rita Angus at the Auckland art gallery at the moment. I am fascinated by some of her paintings, see below.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Socializing in Hamilton

I have a new friend - it's a virus living in the back of my throat. (Okay, so it could be a bacteria, but I don't feel we are closely enough acquainted yet for me to ask that question appropriately.) It has decided it is having a fun time back there so it wants to hang around for a while. It entertains me by sending mucus down my throat into my lungs to cough back up again. We have been inseparable for a over a week now, which is great but I am engaging in classic passive-aggressive behaviour such as gargling mouthwash, which may put a strain on the relationship. I feel though that while some of my actions are destructive I am too set in my ways to change. Que sera sera, I say, if I lose this virus, I am sure there are others in Hamilton I can catch before the winter is out.

Sunday, July 19, 2009


I saw "Bruno" on Friday night. I must say I wasn't offended by it at all and had a good hearty laugh. Bruno is ridiculously uber-gay, and is in many senses a homophobe's worst nightmare. By confronting homophobes with this character, the film is much more a parody of homophobia than of homosexuality. (In a similar sense drag as done by the gay community is not typically a parody of women but something more complex.)

I did feel slightly uncomfortable after the film ended though - the straight men in the audience looked particularly shell-shocked and horrified. I felt that during the film women in the audience laughed more loudly than men did. How beautifully ironic that Bruno is drawing in so many straight people who would never otherwise see any kind of gay film.

Well then

A friend read my previous post and said it reminded him of Judy Dench's character from "Notes on a Scandal". I am somewhat heartened by this as I am hoping Judy Dench will play me in the biopic based on my life story. She will be 130 but look very sprightly for her age.

Nonetheless writing that post seems to have been therapeutic for me. The questions posed are rhetorical, or at the very least ones that only I can answer.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

On gay love

Gay love, by its very definition of sameness, and from the bi-modal gendered society we live in, often manifests itself in different ways to straight love. Straight love is often constructed around ideas of difference which reflect the stereotypes and differences of male and female. For the gay person, a lover might not only be an object of desire but a competitor, a role model, a reflection of ourselves or a validation. Such aspects may play a role in straight relationships, but only in gay love are the acts of wanting someone and wanting to be someone so cryptically intertwined. Sometimes the two desires are difficult or impossible to separate.

A strange twist on this happened to me in high school. I had a desperate crush on a friend M. I don't think I ever wanted to be M; however I was extremely jealous of his sister. I didn't know her well because she was in a higher grade. However whenever her name was mentioned I felt this huge flush of jealousy - I wanted to be M's sister. It's all very weird and even now I can't explain it fully. She was particularly smart and also a dancer, and at the time I wanted to be a girl because I believed it would be impossible to express my true self fully as male (at uni I learnt otherwise). This goes some way to explaining my jealousy; however some aspect of it was related to her being my crush's sister - that bit I can't explain.

Crushes I have had since then have reflected all sorts of things - but I have often loved people who have aspects that I don't and I am jealous of. My boyfriend R in London was strong-willed and spontaneous - if he wanted something he just went for it, without a second thought. The consequences were sometimes exciting or entertaining. Although I did learn a lot from him, ultimately the behaviour was destructive for me.

Recent crushes have been on people who laugh at my jokes - there seems to be no greater aphrodisiac for me (although I don't fall for everyone who laughs at my jokes). I suppose this is a natural part of being an extrovert. However I feel like I have these "buttons" in me that can be pushed, which can easily make me completely infatuated with someone who isn't suited to me as a partner in other aspects. My heart can take over my head in a really inconvenient way.

What part of me needs validation to the point that it becomes unhealthy for me, and why? How do I separate my natural extrovertedness and joy at being a clown with a dependency for attention that can cloud my judgment? Why am I so attracted to impulsive, spontaneous and unpredictable people yet frustrated by the same character traits in a practical way?

I know what turns me on and pushes my buttons, but what I truly want in love and a relationship is less clear.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

On me

I think I might be slightly depressed, though hey it could be my hypochondria playing up again.

Though I have some empirical evidence to back me up this time - a handy thing called "The Beck Depression Inventory". This is basically a multiple choice quiz that gives you a magic number, which allows you to diagnose yourself from "These ups and downs are considered normal" all the way to "Extreme depression"; although I think if you are in the final category you probably wouldnt have enough motivation to do the quiz in the first place, yet alone get out of bed in the morning and bruch your teeth.

Anyway a sample question is:
0: I enjoy reading books at the moment
1: The only book I read lately is "Less than Zero" by Brett Easton Ellis
2: I would read a book but I am crying so much the pages get soggy
3: I have put all my books on a dodgy self-assemble bookshelf next to my bed in the hope it will collapse and kill me during my sleep

As you might gather, the more points you get, the more depressed you are.

Oooh how comforting empiricism is.

Luckily I havent been in any of the severe categories since about 10 years ago when I lived in London, although occasionally I slip down into the "Mild mood disturbance" category.

As the title suggests, "Mild mood disturbance" is a state of being in a disturbingly mild mood. I hope it doesnt last long and my familiar dramatic mood swings return.

Monday, July 13, 2009

The curse continues.....

Well I found last week I am an expectant uncle - my brother´s wife is pregnant. My initial joy gave way to anxiety and angst however - I mean I just dont think I am emotionally mature enough to be an uncle. In fact I am really quite annoyed, they should have consulted with me first before they FUCKED without a condom!!! Not to worry, I plan to (tactfully) suggest she get rid of it. I mean, they can always try again next year. Who knows - I may have grown up by then.

Saturday, July 11, 2009


Watching Home and Away, I am a bit concerned about the intellectual capacity, or at least common sense, of some of the characters. A shocking relevation, I know. But when Roman got talked into committing an armed robbery so easily I began to suspect there is a reasoning deficiency in Summer Bay. When I told my gentle but sharply wise-cracking lesbian cousin J about how the characters on Home and Awy so often have mental health issues, she said "Hmm maybe its a cluster".

Its me again yes how did you guess

Returned last night from an overseas sojourn. Croatia was all very Croat, England was so English and Scotland was, yeah, like, totally Scottish. Thats my very poetic summary of my trip.

In more important news, I finally got that "10 types of people who understand binary" joke. I originally thought they were making fun of people who can only understand base 10 arithmetic. I didnt get the subtle twist that 10 is actually the number 2 written in binary until just the other week.

One day I also hope to understand what happened in Star Trek V.

Meanwhile I saw a doctor in Scotland who deftly diagnosed some hypochondria. It turns out I sometimes convince myself that my asthma is worse than it actually is by a breathing affectation involving my throat. While I am proud of any affectation I have and even somewhat proud of my hypochondria - hey its a very democratic disease, what i like about hypochondria is that anyone can be a hypochondriac, just use your imagination!

I wonder, though, now that I know I am a hypochondriac, does that disqualify me from hypchondria? Because doesnt hypochondria by definition involve some kind of denial?